Douche Bag, Party of Three
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84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill.
Most people don’t want to be constantly interrupted during their meal (as I think this list and it’s readers have brought up numerous times) so rather than keep asking, we refill when the cup goes below the half way mark. Remember that we are people doing a job, and have other tables, so we can’t time everything perfectly. Wouldn’t you rather have us refill your cup when we have time and it’s only a quarter of the way full rather than find yourself with an empty cup while I am taking the order for a ten top? So you have to fiddle around with your cream and sugar ratio a little bit, just deal with it. There are worse things in life than an attentive waiter trying to give you good service, like the embarrassment of your table mates when you’re flailing your arms around for a coffee refill.
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49 Notes83. Ask if your guest wants his coffee with dessert or after. Same with an after-dinner drink.
First off, hello again, sorry for my absence from here, life you know…also, I noticed I got a bit out of order in the posting of my rules, again, I apologize! Here goes…
82. If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spots on the guest.
78. Do not ask, “Are you still working on that?” Dining is not work — until questions like this are asked.
I don’t get why people hate this so much. Are you really so uptight and sensitive that a simple offhand phrase can turn your entire eating experience into “work”? If so you have WAY bigger problems than some comment your waiter made. On another note, and since we are being so fucking literal about things, when a cashier asks if you have found everything you need as you’re checking out, do you get angry because it’s not possible to find “everything” you need in one place? Or do you just accept it as a simple turn of phrase and go on about your day like a normal fucking person? For better or for worse our society has become more laid back and familiar. While people may not like or appreciate certain things that are said as long as they are not offensive you should probably just calm the fuck down and continue to enjoy your meal. And really, you should be happy your server is not asking you what’s really on their minds- “ARE YOU FUCKING DONE YET?!?! You showed up 20 minutes late for your reservation and you have been eating that same piece of fish for an hour and a fucking half! OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO SIT DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF JEEBUS!” because that’s what we REALLY want to say.
77. Do not disappear.
Here’s how this works…
Tables/ Guests= money for servers.
Doing a crappy job and leaving your tables hanging = no money.
As you can see there is not much incentive to just “disappear”. I think I wrote a little before about the many things your server is probably doing when they are not in your immediate eye line. They can include, but are not limited to; talking to the chef about a guest’s allergy, shitting their brains out because they were forced to work when they were sick,performing one of their running side work duties like polishing silver wear or glasses, or maybe they are just dealing with another table that is out of your line of sight. Or they could be BUSY and you just didn’t notice. Servers that care so little about their jobs that they would leave to do something unrelated to caring for their tables are actually very rare. Chances are we are just taking care of something/ someone else at the moment.
79. When someone orders a drink “straight up,” determine if he wants it “neat” — right out of the bottle — or chilled. Up is up, but “straight up” is debatable.
“Straight up” is not debatable. Nor is “Neat. ”straight up” means shaken or stirred with ice and strained into a coop or martini glass. ”Neat” means that you want it unchilled, straight out of the bottle. If you are ordering drinks and using these terms then you should know what they mean. Don’t expect a server or a bartender to coddle you by asking you basic questions about your basic ass drinks.
80. Never insist that a guest settle up at the bar before sitting down; transfer the tab.
My restaurant allowed guests to have their tabs transfered from the bar for a while, but in the end we had to stop it. It’s unfair for a bartender to give service to a guest then not be tipped for it, especially when she’s providing that service to a mob of customers while also making drinks for the entire restaurant and making just slightly above what a server makes. We do tip our bartender out at the end of the night, but it’s more for making drinks for our tables, and doesn’t cover what she might have gotten had we not transferred her tab, and unfairly for her- her tip is given to me at the end of it all, because the customer tips on the total bill, including the drinks she made for them at the bar.
This wasn’t the reason that we had to eventually stop transferring tabs though, it was a few bottles of expensive wine that managed to slip through the cracks that did it. A bartender called for a bottle that was ordered, opened it, and the guest was called away from to their table. The bartender told someone to let the server know to add the bottle to their check and the message never got there…suddenly the restaurant is out a hundred or so bucks. While we tried to take every precaution we could when transferring tables sometimes something gets lost in translation. It’s simply better to close out at the bar and reopen a check at the table.
Have you ever had one of those nights at work where it seems like you’re out of EVERYTHING? Two entrees have been sold out, another has a fish that has to be substituted for a different kind because the fishmonger was out of what we normally get…the wine order didn’t come in on time, and you can’t sell two of the most popular cocktails because the syrups you use for them have all run out! It happened to me not that long ago and I didn’t know quite what to do, things happen, yes, but that was all too much at once.
I couldn’t decide how to tell my tables about it, do I walk up and say “Hey, how are you? Just so you know we are out of these 20 billion things, and the drum is going to be substituted for blah blah blah”? Because that puts kind of a damper on the whole meal, as they feel like their choices are so limited. Or do I just wait and hope that they’ll not order what we are out of? Because then you run the risk of having their first, second, and even third choices be shot down.
In the end I went with a combination of both tactics-tell them about the sold out entrees and substitutions on the menu (the most important stuff), then pray they didn’t order anything from the wine or cocktail list that we were out of, or hope that the cocktail in question could be made with a few different ingredients. It seemed to work out alright for me, but it made for a very stressful night, because you never knew which table would be understanding, and which table would throw a tantrum and blame it all on me.
So have you ever had to deal with this type of night before? And if so, how did you handle it, and what did you say to your tables?
81. Know what the bar has in stock before each meal.
I agree… in theory. A server needs to know what they are able to offer a guest, because it’s always embarrassing to have to go back to a table and tell them that you made a mistake, and it really makes you look unprofessional. Plus, if you don’t know what the bar has in stock you won’t be able to offer alternate spirits if we don’t carry what a guest wants.
What guests don’t understand though, is that sometimes the bar (or even the kitchen for that matter) run out of an item and despite everyones best efforts, not every server hears about it in time to tell their tables. Also, there are times when a server simply forgets- maybe the restaurant or bar program is fairly new, and there have been many changes in a short period of time, so it’s hard to keep things straight….when it comes down to it mistakes happen. It’s as simple as that.
I know that you might think that the “Sorry for the lack of posts” post is the death knell for any blog, but it’s a week until I’m getting hitched and I’ve been busy doing all the girly wedding stuff that is required of me. As soon as all the family rolls back out of town and the dust settles I will get back to the business of writing again! Thanks for sticking around, see you soon!
Reblog!
Thanks, I was looking through yours last night, it’s pretty rad. I don’t smoke pot anymore, but your pictures kinda make me want to again!
Reblog!
76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect.
The most important part of the above sentence is actually repeated twice “the guest is finished”. They have eaten, they are done. It’s my job to remove your plate and give you a dessert menu, have you order, remove that plate, then get you moving so someone else can sit down. I understand wanting to take your time and enjoy yourself, and we hope that you do, within reason. But I don’t know when it became a trend to “digest, savor” and “reflect” over a plate of empty food. I blame it on this whole “foodie culture” that’s been rammed down peoples throats via outlets like The Food Network and Yelp. It seems that now you know nothing about food unless your dinner lasts 3 plus hours and you’ve asked your waiter the appropriate number of ridiculous and self-serving questions (“What type of soil were your peppers grown in? I find that a rocky, mineral rich soil lends the best flavor”). You are a true connoisseur of food and dining if you can talk down to your waiter and dictate every. single. step. of service throughout your meal, even if it’s often to your detriment to do so. Didn’t want to order the last five times I asked you? Don’t bitch when I have to put that 12 tops order in first and your food takes forever. Remember- The first and only function of a restaurant is to feed you. We want to do a good job, and we want you to have a great experience, but honestly, that’s not what we are here for. We are here to cook, serve, and collect payment for FOOD. When your “dining experience” causes other people who have made a reservation to wait, then guess what? I don’t care how much you want to savor and reflect, I’m taking your fucking plate.
It’s not like I don’t enjoy having a great meal with friends, or more to the point “dining” rather than just “going out to eat”, because I do. But I know how to order and eat my food in a timely fashion and still have a good time, that’s why I can “dine” but not be rushed by my server. Instead of sitting at a table and talking over drinks for 40 minutes before ordering I’ll suggest that my group meets at a bar beforehand to catch up, ditto with sitting for 40 minutes after eating and paying the bill. You can still have drinks and conversation, but you won’t be taking up valuable real estate in the form of your servers table. Savor when you’re eating, digest over coffe, and reflect at home.
